An indolent vicar of Bray

An indolent vicar of Bray

His roses allowed to decay.

His wife, more alert,

Bought a powerful squirt

And said to her spouse, ‘Let us spray.’

Of course you could

Movember is in full swing and so lots of the lads are indulging their vanities and growing a huge number of excrescences all over their faces. I am included in this activity. It is an extremely worthwhile cause, great fun to take part in and instantly competitive so ticks every box. If you are not doing it then I suggest that you join in. Go to the Movember site and get started. While there sponsor me at http://uk.movember.com/mospace/1061560/

I myself have never had prostate cancer and, as I write, it forms no part of my plans but it carries off more of us chaps than any other medocal unpleasantness so looking ridiculous for one month of the year is neither here nor there in the scheme of things.

I wish to share with you all one of the most enjoyable sights to have drifted through my gaze for many a year. Management and I were in Devon recently when we witnessed a redoubtable lady of a certain age powering up Honiton high street sitting side-saddle on an assisted bicycle. (One of those little whizz bangs with an electric motor in the front hub) She was dressed in bullet proof tweed and had a look on her face that would have induced instant surrender by any SS Stormtroopers she encountered. Whatever else happened the bike was not getting any assitance from her! I have never seen the like before but I should be thrilled to see it again.

Clearly insufficiently cultured to avoid Starbucks!

A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well we Greeks built the Parthenon “ and arched his eyebrows.
The Scotsman then replies ‘”Well … it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices.”
The Greek retorts ‘We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, “Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars.”
And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the
discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, “The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!”
The Scotsman replies “Aye that is true but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!”

with thanks to Gordon and Janie who i wish i knew.

The Quote of almost any year

Just to let you know that there are still some real non-politically-correct people out there who just tell it how it really is. If either of these two gentlemen ever want to run for office, any office at all, in Edinburgh they would be a shoe in.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR …

POLK COUNTY FLORIDA SHERIFF GRADY JUDD

An illegal immigrant in Polk County Florida who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop ended up killing the deputy who stopped him.
The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range.
Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.

A state-wide manhunt ensued.
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area and as soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times.
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor undocumented immigrant 68 times.
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: “Because that’s all the ammunition we had.”
Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what?
The Coroner also reported that the illegal man died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied “When you are shot 68 times, you are, naturally, gonna die.”

Please follow closely

5 Minute Management Course Lesson 1 : A priest offered a Nun a lift… She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg….. The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.  The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’ The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’ Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.  It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’ Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Lesson 2 : A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.  The Genie says, ‘I’ll give each of you just one wish.’ ‘Me first! Me first!’ says the admin clerk..  ’I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world..’  Poof! She’s gone. ‘Me next! Me next!’ says the sales rep. ‘I want to be in  Hawaii  , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life.’  Poof! He’s gone. ‘OK, you’re up,’ the Genie says to the manager.  The manager says, ‘I want those two back in the office after lunch.’ Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say. Lesson 3 An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, ‘Can I also sit like you and do nothing?’  The eagle answered: ‘Sure, why not.’ So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Lesson 4 A turkey was chatting with a bull.  ‘I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree’ sighed the turkey, ‘but I haven’t got the energy.’ ‘Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?’ replied the bull.  It’s full of nutrients.’ The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree. Moral of the story: Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there… Lesson 5 A little bird was flying south for the winter.  It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.  A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. .. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Moral of the story: (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut! THUS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE. Thank you Gordon

A civil service myth

Right now in the UK we are experiencing the start of a period of unrest and industrial action as unions try and slow the relentless tide of redundancies coming our way as government, at all levels, tries to get back in sight of reasonable, affordable, budget levels. This is not unique, it is happening all across the G20 world. In some countries such as Greece and France the manifestations are far more vitriolic than they are here, The British, in the main, don’t do vitriol very well. When they do though stand well back!

In this country the bargain between civil servant and tax payer used to be that the civil servant would work for a lesser wage than his civilian counterpart in exchange for relative job security and a greatly enhanced retirement package. What is seriously irritating is that the unions still pretend that the bargain remains extant. Well, dear reader, it doesn’t and hasn’t for at least 15 years. Everyone who ever takes an interest of the most cursory nature knows that there has been a scandal running for years of very senior civil servant’s pay scales. All middle and senior management earn very much more than they ever could witth equivalent levels of responsibility in the commercial or industrial world. I myself haave occasionally had civil servants offer themselves for jobs I was advertising and, without, exception, their existing salary and package was very much more than the job they held merited. On one occasion a young lady, at that time employed as deputy manager of a leisure complex, applied to me for a job. She was an excellent candidate and we were really keen to recruit her. The job we were offering her was, she told us, the equivalent of a promotion of two grades in the county council but, even though we went considerably beyond what we had expected to (and eventually did) pay for the job, we couldn’t get anywhere close to her current terms.

I have a very old friend who, for over thirty years, has worked for a city council. She is in fact their senior tenancy officer. She loathes the job and always has but when i say “Well why don’t you leave then” she has always replied “Where could i earn this money or get this amount of time off?” I rest my case.

i believe that it is the case that the people at the coal face do get the same as their comrades outside but they certainly get no less.

I would advocate a system where a civil service entity with a discreet spend budget has it’s staff capped as a function of its spend budget. say £750,000 per employee. There is no earthly reason why revenue units should operate in any way different to commerce, generate a required rate of return on investment and return surplus to their shareholders. For the avoidance of doubt that’s you and me.

Bill Millin. R.I.P. Boyhood Hero and Mad Bastard.

One of the great heroes of my boyhood died last week and I thought I would tell you a little about him. His name was Bill Millin, he was born in Glasgow, and that is about all I know about his formative years. By 1942 he had ended up in Number 4 Commando as Piper to its commander Lord “Shimi” Lovat. who was definitively at the very top of my boyhood hero list and was some sort of cousin of mine, in the way that all highland families are, to some extent, related. These two took part in the disastrous raid on Dieppe together where something like 60% of the troops involved (mostly Canadian) were either killed or captured.

The incident that made Bill Millin and his boss famous was centred on the D day landings in Normandy. Lovat by now was a Brigadier General and commanded the 1st Special Service Brigade. They were in the second wave ashore on Sword beach immediately behind the 3rd division. Their task was to pass straight through 3rd and make their way via the village of Ouistreham to Pegasus Bridge over the Caen canal and the Ranville bridge over the river Orne to relieve the airborne troops that had captured and held it since the night before. Lovat took the view that a commanding officer should be conspicuous in a battle so in total defiance of very strict orders, Bill was in full regimental kilt as they went to war and Lovat wore a white polo neck submariner’s  jersey. The landing craft of those days had two front ramps and as they hit the beach Lovat stood on one and Bill Millin on the other. When the ramps went down he waded ashore playing Blue Bonnets over the Border and marched, still playing, directly up the middle of the beach. Later that night he played for some distressed local French people who had just had an invading army sweep over their homes. The next day Lovat and Bill walked up the middle of the road to the bridge with two German divisions pouring fire on them. They arrived unhurt and relieved the airborne.

Many years later when I was talking about this amazing event with Bill Millin at a highland games in Dornoch he said that the soldiers couldn’t loiter when the boss was strolling up the middle of a defended road in a white sweater armed only with a swagger stick. This slightly overlooks the fact that he was at the bosses side playing his lungs out on the bagpipes and dressed in wall-to-wall tartan which is, I suspect, just as conspicuous as a white polo neck. The two of them must have been a red rag to a bull to the defending German troops and how they were not both killed is, in itself, miraculous. I asked him what had been said by the troops in foxholes on the beach as he passed through. As best he could remember the commonest thing he remembered was “mad bastard”. He said that it very quickly became surreal, He just played tune after tune as if in a dream sequence and that after the fist few minutes he was not only no longer afraid, he was not even aware of the fighting going on all round him. He said “I just followed the left shoulder of that white sweater and tried to play loud enough to be heard”.  So two mad bustards both of whom I have been privileged to know.

I am sure that there are still people like them around, would it not be wonderful if we could create a world in which there was no opportunity for them to prove it.

You can almost hear him say these words;
“You want me to do what?”
The look on this dog’s face is priceless…

You can kiss my ass….”I’m not smellin’ those!”

Everyone has one ‘Young Lafy of Lynn’ Limerick that they know.

There was a young lady of Lynn

Who thought all love-making a sin;

But when she got tight

It seemed quite all right,

So everyone plied her with gin

Legal lunacy

There is a fundamental flaw in an adversary based legal system that makes it very unattractive morally. In the systems practised in most of the English speaking world they have degenerated to the point where, in most court cases, there is no one in court, with the possible exception of the judge, making any attempt to get to the truth. All that is necessary is for one side  to do better than their legal opponent and they win. Compound that with the fact that legislators make most new law with one eye permanently glued to the vote meter and the other on banner headlines in the gutter press and the outlook is not very promising.

The ultimate stupidity in England and Wales now affects people who have suffered a wrongful conviction that has subsequently been discovered and overturned. Since 1996 it has been the case that, should they seek some compensation from the state for wrongful conviction and/or time spent in one of Her Majesty’s prisons, then they have to prove that they are innocent. So, having gone through a protracted legal process at great expense to themselves and the tax payer at the conclusion of which some very clever and well qualified people have absolved them of their guilt and set them free, they are required to embark on another battle, at great expense to themselves and the taxpayer, to try and prove a negative, i.e. that they didn’t do something. Surely the one process should take care of the two events? Would it really be so difficult for appeal court judges to have the additional responsibility of deciding whether compensation is appropriate while resolving the main case?